This place is a dump.
But it's cheap, it's clean and it's all mine.
I've saved 42 grand and it's in T-Bills earning interest.
I've got three more years on my back. I'll have enough to retire.
You're a prostitute?
I'm talking about a business proposition, Louis.
I help you get back on your feet and you pay me, in cash, five figures.
That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation.
Understood?
By the way, food and rent are not the only things here that cost money.
You sleep on the couch.
It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's buy.
Buy 200 May belly contracts at 66.8.
- Put them on my personal account. - That's a big mistake, man.
- Valentine, this is very important, watch. - You're going to get reamed on this one.
Why shouldn't we buy now, William?
Price is going to keep going down.
Randolph, this isn't Monopoly money we're playing with.
This is Randolph Duke. Hold that belly over a moment.
Tell me why you think the price of pork bellies is going down.
- It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight. - Could we please buy now?
- If you want to lose money go ahead. - What are you trying to say?
OK, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning.
So everybody's waiting for them to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap.
The people with pork belly contracts are thinking,
"Hey, we're losing all our money and Christmas is coming.
"I won't be able to buy my son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip.
"And my wife won't make love to me cos I ain't got no money."
They're panicking, screaming, "Sell, sell."
They don't want to lose all their money. They are panicking right now. I can feel it.
Look at them.
He's right, Mortimer, my God, look at it.
I'd wait till you get to 64, then buy.
You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.
Do you realise how much money he just saved us?
Money isn't everything, Randolph.
Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64.
Mr Valentine has set the price.
Well done, William. Very well done.
Come on, Randolph, we're gonna be late.
Yo... Mortimer dropped his money clip.
- You can count it, it's all there. - Thank you.
- It's all there, count it. - I'm sure it is. Keep up the good work.
All right, Randy.
Nice try, Mortimer.
That was great, that was really great.
...and she stepped on the ball.
Oh my God, I don't believe it.
- Ah, there you are. - I think I'm going to be sick.
Don't worry, I'll handle this, Pookums.
Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip.
I realise this looks completely awful but I just wanted to assure you,
my friends, that I am completely innocent.
I'm going to fight this. Someone is out to get me and I know who.
The important thing is that I can rely on you,
my friends, as character witnesses.
I'm going to be defending myself
and I wondered if you could see your way clear
to perhaps advance me a small loan until the hearing.
Frankly, Winthorpe, and I think I speak for all of us,
I think it shows incredibly bad taste for you to embarrass us like this.
I believe I'm still a member of this club.
Nobody wants to buy your drugs, Louis. Why don't you just go away?
Burnt my fingers, man.
I beg your pardon.
Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.
Hot? Do you mean to imply, stolen?
- I'll give you 50 bucks for it. - 50 bucks!
No, no, no. This is a Rochefoucauld, the thinnest water-resistant watch in the world.
Singularly unique, sculptured in design,
hand-crafted in Switzerland and water-resistant to three atmospheres.
This is the sports watch of the '80s. $6,955 retail.
Got a receipt?
Look, it tells time simultaneously
in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.
In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.
Just give me the money.
How much for the gun?
So, this snail is standing in front of the Cadillac salesman, see,
and says, "How much is that Cadillac?"
The snail says, "I want a big 'S' put on each door
"and on top of the car, I want a big 'S' so everybody can see it."
Salesman says, "Why do you want that?" He says, "When I drive down the avenue...
"I want everybody to say 'Look at that S-car-go."'
"Look at the S-car-go."
I'm considering going long on April wheat. What do you think, Valentine?
I can think of three good reasons why you shouldn't do that, judge.
One, the Russian wheat harvest isn't going to be as bad as people think... and two...
...and three, judging by the jewels around your girlfriend's neck,
I think you're going to need every penny just to keep her happy.
103. That's it, you're staying in bed.
That man has moved into my house. He's stolen my job. I have to do something.
Stay here.
It's ten o'clock - here's Johnny.
Listen, baby, I'm sorry. My momma just came in from outta town.
Can we do it next week?
Flowers for me?
Thanks.
- What are you doing? - You've got company.
Business is business. I'll go for a walk.
- Fresh air will do me good. - Lay down.
I'm sorry you had to cancel your appointment.
What are you doing?
Ophelia, I can't tell you how good that feels.
You've been so kind to me.
I'm just protecting my investment. That's all.
Shut up and go to sleep.
99 and a half. You're not getting out of bed until it's normal.
I feel fine and I've inconvenienced you enough.
You have work to do and so do I.
Nobody works on Christmas Eve.
I'm going shopping and then I'll make you a nice quiet dinner.
Now, read your paper.
Christmas! I'll give him a Christmas present he'll never forget.
Ah William, where've you been? The party's already begun.
I have some work to finish.
It's Christmas Eve and William wants to keep working.
I'll think of you in Stockholm, when I accept the Nobel Prize.
The wager has two parts - something about a second party turning to crime.
Didn't you say you had work to do?
Yes sir. I was wondering about this $10,000 cheque to Mr Clarence Beeks.
I'll take care of it, Valentine.
I don't recall a Clarence Beeks, Mr Duke.
It was before you joined us, Valentine.
We did manage to stay in business for 47 years before your arrival.
Have a drink, William. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Mr Duke. - What?
- Merry Christmas. - Oh, oh, Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho!
Just what do you think you're doing?
Randolph, Mortimer, come in here quickly, I've finally caught him.
- Who are you? - I've caught him red-handed.
Winthorpe, is that you?
I'm making a citizen's arrest. This man is a drug dealer.
Look, his office drawer, he's got all the bad drugs here.
Marijuana joints, pills, Quaaludes,
Valium, yellow ones, red ones, cocaine grinder, drug needles.
He's the pusher, not me.
I just came in and caught him planting this stuff.
It's obviously some primitive attempt to frame me.
Frame you? Boy, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.
This man's obviously a lunatic. I'm calling security.
Put that phone down.
Hello, security... Merry Christmas.
You tried to rob me, plant drugs on me.
You steal my house, my car, my job. I ought to kill him now.
Look, this is a big misunderstanding.
I don't know nothing about it. Could you put the gun away?
Put that gun away at once, Winthorpe. Have you lost your mind?
Freeze, slime ball.
I realise this whole experience must have been rather unsettling for you.
Winthorpe, don't leave. We can explain.
Yeah, you'll be sorry.
You'll all be very, very sorry.
Poor, deluded creature. We caught him pilfering at our club,
embezzling funds, selling drugs.
Now he's dressing up like Santa Claus.
Very sordid business.
I can't believe Winthorpe would fall to pieces like that.
It's not my business, but he belongs behind bars.
- He's unemployed, Valentine. - It's no excuse, Mortimer.
He's flat broke, obviously hungry.
But he has money to buy drugs, right?
You can't be soft on people like that. Take it from me, Randolph.
Pay up, Mortimer, I've won the bet.
Here, one dollar.
We took a perfectly useless psychopath, like Valentine,
and turned him into a successful executive.
And during the same time,
we turned an honest, hard-working man
into a violently deranged, would-be killer.
Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back
and returning Valentine to the ghetto?
I don't want Winthorpe back after what he's done.
You mean keep Valentine on, as Managing Director?
Do you really believe I would have a nigger run our family business, Randolph?
Of course not. Neither would I.
I do think we should hold off on switching them back, though.
Until we get that crop report, New Year's Eve, don't you?
Absolutely, no sense rocking the boat until then.
If Mr Beeks does what we paid him to do,
we should have a very happy New Year.
Indeed.
Hey, Winthorpe, Winthorpe.
Hey.
Hey, Winthorpe. Yo, Winthorpe.
Winthorpe. Yo.
Sorry about that.
Yo! Yo!
Hey, Taxi!
Hi, Louis. Merry Christmas.
Louis, I have a big surprise for you.
Excuse me. The door was open... I'm looking for a Louis Winthorpe.
- Does he live here? - Wait here a minute, I'll be right back.
Louis, Louis. It's him. It's Valentine.
Louis... Louis?
Louis.
It was close but he's going to be all right.
Now, make sure he gets plenty of rest.
And for God's sake, no excitement.
Thanks, Doc. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you. I'll let myself out, Coleman. Thank you.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
It was a dream. I dreamt the whole thing.
It was just a bad dream.
Good morning, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Coleman, I've had the most absurd nightmare.
I was poor and no one liked me.
I lost my job, I lost my house. Penelope hated me.
And it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.
- Oh dear! - It... was... the... Dukes.
You're a dead man, Valentine.
It was an experiment. They used us as guinea pigs, man.
The Dukes used us as guinea pigs.
To see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.
- I'm afraid it's true, sir. - I believe him, Louis.
The Dukes ruined my life over a bet?
- For how much? - A dollar.
One dollar.
Fine, that's the way they want it.
No problem.
You can't just shoot people with a double-barrelled shotgun
cos you're pissed at them.
- Why not? - It's assault with a deadly weapon.
You get 20 years for that shit.
Do you have any better ideas?
Yeah, it seems the best way to hurt rich people is by turning 'em into poor people.
You have to admit, you didn't like it yourself a bit.
Under heavy security,
the crop estimates for next year's orange crop
are being delivered to the Department Of Agriculture in Washington DC.
Louis, Louis, that's him, the guy who paid me to talk dirty to you.
In charge of security, Mr Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.
Clarence Beeks.
- The Dukes gave him 10 grand. - I saw 50,000 in the payroll.
Mortimer said it was for research.
Research, so he can get that top secret report, two days before it goes public.
Oh my God, the Dukes will corner the entire frozen orange juice market.
Unless somebody stops them.
Or beats them to it.
Eggnog?
Duke & Duke, may I ask who's calling?
Duke & Duke, he's busy. Can you hold please?
May I help you? One moment, Mr Beeks, I'll put you right through.
Operation "strange fruit" proceeding according to plan.
I anticipate penetration and acquisition at 21:00 tomorrow. Hold on.
Fuck off!
- When can we expect delivery? - I will be leaving DC by train.
Will rendezvous at 24:00 at the Hilton Hotel, parking level D, Section 4.
That's the orange section.
Orange, I like that, very good.
The final payment is due on delivery, in cash.
Jesus, hey!
Happy New Year!
- Ever make it with an ape? - Harvey, haven't you had enough drink?
Are you kidding, it's not even New Year's Eve.
Come here, kiss this beautiful ape.
Come on.
Harrisburg Express...
- What? - It's my turn to drive.
- No it isn't. - It is.
- I'm sure you think it is, but it isn't. - Don't you remember?
You drove the shipment of anchovies.
Yeah, but you had the video tape recorders this afternoon.
I backed them up about five feet.
We take turns. Sometimes it's longer, sometimes shorter. It's my turn now.
- No it isn't. - Yes it is.
- Merry New Year. - Happy New Year.
In this country, we say, "Happy New Year".
Thank you for correcting my English, which stinks.
I am Naga Eboko, exchange student from Cameroon.
Beef jerky time.
- You want some beef jerky? - No, please.
There's plenty, you know.
This animal's being routed through to New York.
Its care and feeding instructions are on this bill of lading.
OK, gotcha.
I doubt you'll have need it but, there's a tranquilliser gun in the First Aid kit.
- Oh, yeah? - Say, have you guys been drinking?
- No, sir. Not us. - There's enough drunks here already.
Happy New Year.
That's kind of you, son. A Happy New Year to you, too.
Could I offer either of you two gentlemen a wee jolt of Irish whisky,
to usher in the New Year.
Not for me, pal.
I do not drink. It is against my religion.
I always say, religion's a fine thing, taken in moderation.
Beef jerky?
No son, it gives me wind, something terrible.
We are moving! We are moving!
New York, here we come!
Come in, my child, join the party.
Let me see, you would be from Austria. Am I right?
- No, I am Inga from Sweden. - Sweden?
But you're wearing Lederhosen.
Ja, for sure, from Sweden.
Please, help me with my rucksack.
Oh yeah, sure, why not?
I'm hungry, man. I've got to get something more to eat.
Well, maybe there's some pretzels in the bar car.
You're welcome!
- Who is that? - Open the door, man.
I'm dressed as a baggage handler.
Imagine how embarrassed I was that someone had the same costume I had!
Monkey, monkey? I'm a fucking gorilla you clown!
I certainly hope there's enough space on the train for me.
Naga, Naga Eboko, from Cameroon.
Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph.
Lionel, from the African Education Conference, right?
I was Director of Cultural Events at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.
I remember we have big fun there.
Now we are all here, we will have a picnic, ja?
You will help me get my rucksack down for the Swedish meatballs.
- Remember the one we did? - Yeah.
- The memories. - All day long I could tell those stories.
- Those were good ones. - The good old days.
- There you are, sweet pea. - Danke.
So, the train will be pulling into Philadelphia soon.
Will you be getting off at the city of brotherly love?
I will but you won't...
...Winthorpe.
- See if this one's empty. - Hey, back off.
I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.
- Excuse me. - You got it.
All right. On your feet. Up! Let's go.
Bunch of fucking weirdos! We're going to take a little walk.
Don't try anything funny or the whore loses a kidney.
- No, I'm from Sweden. - Beat it.
Hey, I'm King Kong, the biggest, baddest guy in the jungle.
Get lost, you maggot.
Hey, who is that guy, your father or something?
All right, hold it right here.
- Honestly, Beeks. - This is as far as we go.
No more cockamamie cigar smoke.
No more Swedish meatballs there, tootsie.
And no more phoney Irish whisky.
No more goddamn jerky beef.
The party's over.
The party's over. Hey, come on.
What do you mean, "The party's over"?
It's not even ten o'clock, you dummy.
Hey, come on. Loosen up, man.
It's almost New Year's Eve.
Hey, look what happened to me!
Sometimes, they look so human, it gives you the creeps.
Boy, that other one's getting kinda horny, ain't he?
Think we ought to hit him up with the tranquilliser gun?
It's New Year's. Let 'em have their fun.
That black one must be the female.
- Where is he? - Beeks. Are you there, Beeks?
I'm over here.
That's far enough.
Did you get the report?
Let's see the money.
OK, toss it over.
Thank you, Beeks.
Wonderful news. Wonderful.
Beeks, Happy New Year.
My life savings. Try not to lose it.
Lose it? In a couple of hours, you're going to be the richest butler that ever lived.
I worked real hard for this, Louis. Hope you know what you're doing.
- Thank you, Ophelia. - What are you doing?
10:31...
That's us, Louis.
Coleman, would you please.
Thank you.
I could use a stiff drink. Would you care to join me?
- Morning, Mr Duke. - Wilson.
- Good morning, Mr Duke. - Wilson.
Keep the change.
Think big, think positive. Never show any sign of weakness.
Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear, that's the other guy's problem.
Nothing can prepare you for the unbridled carnage you are about to witness.
The Super Bowl, the World Series.
Pressure? Here it's kill or be killed. Make no friends and take no prisoners.
One minute you're up half a million, the next, boom.
Your kids don't go to college and you've lost your Bentley.
We've got to kill the motherfucker... We've got to kill them.
We want you to buy as much OJ as you can, the instant trading starts.
Don't worry if the price starts going up, just keep buying.
They'll broadcast the crop report in an hour, what if...
Let us worry about that, Wilson.
Yes, sir.
- How's the ulcer, Harry? - Pretty good. How's the hypertension?
Hasn't bothered me in months.
Let's kick some ass.
This is it. The last bastion of pure capitalism left on earth.
Here in New York they trade everything, gold, silver, platinum,
heating oil, propane, cocoa and sugar
and, of course, frozen, concentrated orange juice.
The people on the phones are taking orders from brokers all over the world.
The runners hand those orders to the traders in the pits.
They're trading cotton over there. And that's the silver pit.
The Dukes' trader is going to be buying like crazy right from the opening.
We wait until he drives the price up?
Right. I can't wait to see his face, when they broadcast that genuine crop report.
OJ trading opens at 9:00.
- Let's go kick some butt. - Let's go.
Hey, hey. The Dukes are trying to corner the market.
- They know something. - Let's get in on it.
200, taken.
- 130. - 200, 200.
Louis.
Not yet, almost.
- 220 taken. - 209.
- Yeah, yeah, got 'em. - 139.
Now! Sell, 200 April at 142.
That's not right. How can the price be going down?
Something's wrong. Where's Wilson?
What are they doing here?
- They're selling, Mortimer. - Why, that's ridiculous.
- Unless that crop report... - God help us.
I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you asshole.
We've got to get Wilson and tell him to sell.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Secretary Of Agriculture.
Ladies and gentlemen, the orange crop estimates for the next year.
After calculating the estimates from various orange producing states,
We have concluded the following...
The cold winter has apparently not effected the orange harvest.
...consumers can expect orange juice prices to fall...
Wilson, for Christ's sake, sell.
Buy 'em.
Wilson, where are you going?
You idiot. Get back in there at once and sell, sell.
- Five. - Yeah, 200.
- 100. - Yeah, that was 100.
Did you get that?
Happy New Year.
- Winthorpe. - Valentine.
- How'd you make out today? - How could you do this to us,
after everything we've done for you?
Oh, see I made Louis a bet here.
Louis bet me that we couldn't get rich and put you in the poorhouse.
He didn't think we could do it. I won.
I lost.
- One dollar. - Thank you, Louis.
- After you. - Certainly.
Margin call, gentlemen.
- Why you can't expect... - You know the rules.
All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading, without exception.
You know perfectly well, we don't have $394 million in cash.
I'm sorry, boys. Put the Duke brothers' seats on the exchange up for sale at once.
Seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodity Brokers,
as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
We're ruined!
This is an outrage, I demand an investigation.
You can't sell our seats. A Duke has been on this exchange since it was founded.
We founded this exchange. It's ours.
It belongs to us.
We'd better call your brother an ambulance.
Fuck him! I want trading reopened, right now.
Get those brokers back in here. Turn those machines back on.
You and your Nobel Prize, you idiot.
Where's Beeks? Where in hell is Beeks?
- Beeks! - Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.
OK, one male gorilla.
Wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.
One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa.
It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know? Anyway, they're in love.
- Hey, Coleman. - Yes.
What about lunch? The lobster or the cracked crab?
- What do you think? - Can't we have both?
Why not?
- Dimitri. - Sir.
- Lobster and cracked crab for everyone. - Extra prima good, Mr Coleman, sir.
Looking good, Billy Ray.
Feeling good, Louis.
English (en)